I knew Sunday exactly what this week's blog would be about, and exactly how I wanted to structure it... I just wanted to hold off until after the funeral Monday, to ensure that I would have a total understanding of what I was to write... It's now early Thursday morning, and I believe that I have prepared myself for this blog... Alright, enough rambling. Here goes:

I believe that we frequently go through life unaware of what the impact of our words are. No matter where we are in life, no matter what time, or what job we hold... We don't know our impacts on the world. Words can be used to express every emotion. Words can touch a heart. Words can hurt someone as bad as a physical wound. Words can bring relief to the person speaking them. Let me show you how words have impacted my life.

From a young age, I was an awkward kid. I've had massive glasses since kindergarten to compensate for my near blindness. Even back in elementary school, I could be found in the corner of the playground, reading a book, having no desire to be social. I used words to express whatever I was feeling, something that society says is wrong for a male to do. So, I was always the kid that was picked on in school. Up until high school, I had no friends and I almost failed a few times. People would call me every name they could come up with. I was told that I wasn't wanted, and that I shouldn't even be in school since no one cared. I became the butt of every joke, and eventually it began to wear down on me. The words that my peers were saying hurt me deeply, and I couldn't escape them. These words shaped my early life, and caused me more pain then any physical abuse ever could... In retrospect, I think all the harassment brought me to where I am today, and I doubt that I would be able to write the emotions I do if they weren't forced out of me at a young age. The evil words of 4th graders shaped the words that I speak today. I would venture as far as to say that I might not even be a poet if it wasn't for my trying to find a way to express all the pain I had inside.

For me, words became my saving grace. While I saw peers that inflicted self-harm and even committed suicide over the lack of emotional release, I found my freedom in words. I found that when I was able to construct my emotions into words, that the pain of the event was somewhat lifted off my shoulders. Some of my best poetry was written when I was angry and wanted to end it all... And yet I didn't because of the power of words in my life. I urge everyone to try something for me: Next time you are angry or sad, sit down in front of a piece of paper. Just write whatever you're feeling. You'll be amazed at what poetry can be created from within your emotional state.

Words can have the power of love. I once had a very odd relationship with a girl online. I loosely call it a relationship, because I had no deep feelings for this girl. But, I found that I could write her a love poem, and she would be swoon. This girl had never met me, had no idea what I looked like... And yet I think she really had some emotional attachment to me. I guess I should have just let it go, but I took some sort of odd comfort in knowing that someone could like me for the words I could write. Eventually we faded off, but I did get some lovely bits of verse out of it! The power of words twisted a heart into a way it didn't expect.

Sunday morning I realized what power my words could really have. I got an early morning call from work telling me that someone had been calling for me, and it had concerned the teacher that had just passed away. I recognized the name of the caller as a former teacher of mine, so I promptly called her back. See, I wrote Deb a poem, and put it on the caringbridge website that was being updated daily. The poem is as follows:

A powerful woman
A leader of futures
Teacher of romance from the soul
A lover, a fighter, a mother
Mother to us all
Singer of songs
A gardener of natures seeds
Rise woman rise
Greet the brand new day
Smile once again God's smile
Pray we do for one more day
Waiting for the time
As the world stands still
Our hearts skip a beat
Rise teacher rise
Greet the brand new day
You have so much ahead
Chapters of untold story
Touch another soul today
Teach lessons of romance and love
Never forget the love we all hold
Now rise woman rise
Greet the brand new day
With a new lease on life
A second of laughter
Fill the glass soul
Pour until our hearts fill
Support of a nation
We pray not remission
Our blind ambition
To see you rise woman rise
Greet the brand new day
For not a diamond so tough
As we all hold our breath
To see you rise. Rise. Rise
An greet this brand new day
For the sun is out
The world is ours
So rise woman rise
And greet the new day

Apparently my former teacher thought the poem was good, so she printed it off and took it to the hospital. While Deb and her brother were in the room, this teacher read my poem to Deb. Now, Deb was in and out of a coma for the month that she was sick, so we will never know if she understood the poem or not. But it means so much to me that she got to hear it... Anyway, her brother broke down and cried for the first time when he heard my poem. He found the words beautiful, and was able to take comfort in the optimism that the words held.

After Deb passed away Friday, her brother thought of me again. He told me that he was so moved by the poem, that he wanted me to be a part of the service to honor his sister. He was so moved, in fact, that he wanted me to be part of the funeral procession, and sit with the rest of the family at the funeral. Because of my poem, I got to meet an amazing family that I hadn't known until the wake Sunday, and I got to read Deb's autobiography and my poem at the funeral. I can honestly say that being able to honor my former teacher and mentor like this was the greatest honor of my life. Because of the power of my words, I got to experience something that I never thought I would be able to. Around 200 students/former students were at the service, and I was the only one of them that got to speak. I will remember this for the rest of my life.

Even more shocking then how the events played out were how they started. As a writer, I know that some people will enjoy my writing, and some won't. Since I'm a total unknown, I never know what people think about my writings or if they even read them at all. Smartmom, bless her soul, told me that she's sure my writing reaches more people then I realize. I never imagined that the power of my words could ever reach a grieving family, and touch them so greatly. I never knew that my words could make people cry at the funeral. I never expected to have so many people tell me how amazing my poem was...

I guess I just see myself as an average Joe of writing. That I'm not doing anything that anyone couldn't do. That my words are meaningless. I suppose if you are still reading this long rant, then my words must at least be slightly interesting... I just never knew that my words could touch so many people... That I have so much power in my words. That there could even BE that much power in words. I had a truly eye opening experience this week, and the power of my own words touched so many people, while also helping me find peace about her passing.

I always try to make a point that you can walk away with. I guess the moral of this story is that you never know the true power of your words. When you say something mean, you don't know how deeply you could be hurting someone. When you write for yourself, you don't realize the power of healing your words can have. And you never know the power of your words on others, and how deeply you can touch and move an entire church... And the power of healing that you can have on someone in mourning. I don't think I will ever take my writing for granted again, though I still don't see myself as any better a writer than anyone else... I just know that one poem was able to change my life forever, and gave me the chance to say goodbye to a woman that I loved...

Now that it's all over, and I've found peace, you won't be hearing about Deb/momma again. God rest your soul, and I know that you are up in heaven, laughing at the ignorance of my own words... You always pushed me to do whatever I felt inside, and not to care what anyone thought of it. I'll never forget it.

Until next week.

James.