Dunstan says there are five "words" that all babies 0–3-months-old "say," regardless of race and culture:

• Neh="I'm hungry"
• Owh="I'm sleepy"
• Heh="I'm experiencing discomfort"
• Eair="I have lower gas"
• Eh="I need to burp"

I call bull.

I agree that after a while most parents learn what their baby's cry means, but a secret language language of babies? My babies' secret language went something like this:

• Wah="Boobie"
• Waaah="I said I want boobie."
• WAAAH="Gimme some boobie before I shoot crap up all the way up my back to my neck."
• WAAAAAAH="See? I told you I wasn't kidding. You should've given me the boobie."
• WAAAAAAAHsmurfle="What took you so long? You'll see. Tomorrow I won't nurse at all. Let's see if a clogged duct or two will teach you to be more responsive next time."

Gosh, if only I'd had Dunstan's DVD to watch during those first weeks when I was operating on four hours of sleep and teetering on the edge of a psychotic episode. I'm sure I could have squeezed in some lessons in between reading Dr. Sears (who made me feel like a terrible parent for not being able to figure out how to carry a floppy six pound baby in a ginormous, padded, chambray sling), and What To Expect (for making me feel like a bad mother for not shoving muesli and oat cakes down my gullet while pregnant. I chose Filets-o-Fish instead.)

Mastering the secret language of babies? Give me a friggin' break. As if we need one more thing for the annoying, know-it-all in our playgroup to feel superior about.

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